i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
