There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
