Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
