also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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