Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
