I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
