My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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