all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
