I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
