I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
