You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
