i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
