If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
