I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
