even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
