I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
