I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found puke in my bra..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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