My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
