sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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