I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
