Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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