Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
