listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
