My nipple is on Facebook.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
