what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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