You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
