the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
