Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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