literally had 100 drinks last night.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
