I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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