too bad you live with your parents still
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She bit a glass in half.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
