got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
COCAINE IS GR8
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
