Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
