I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
