it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
