It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
