You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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