I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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