he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
