it wasn't lemon gatorade
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
