i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
