Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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