Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
