every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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