sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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