please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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