i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
