how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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