fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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