i used baking grease as lip gloss
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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